Long March Into A Black Hole

Sydney Morning Herald

Monday March 6, 2006

TREVOR MARSHALLSEA

With Australia still in the grip of that difficult period between the country's two seasons, when nothing much happens in sport, it's time to ease the pain by taking the new crystal ball from the northern end and contemplating what lies ahead. Here's some of what you'll quite possibly see in our pages during our long March of sport.

Anthem anathema

Yesterday's Commonwealth Games opening ceremony was engulfed in more anthem controversy when an organising bungle led to the playing of God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols. Spectators were caught on the hop by the up-tempo opening number but, eager to ensure a carnival atmosphere at their big event, attempted to sing along as the words were flashed up on the big screen. Insiders at Buckingham Palace complained it might have been interpreted as disrespectful that the crowd sang "She ain't no human being" while the Queen stood by, but conceded that the sound of 90,000 people chanting "Noooooooooo fuuuuuture" was quite memorable.

Bloody testing time

The Milperra Mauler has pulled out of the Games after finally getting the results of still more blood tests. Thorpe tested positive to a well-known hair product and the anti-wrinkle agent Boswelox, and had suffered a reaction from coming into accidental contact with a cubic zirconia. The swimmer's mother Margaret Thorpedo said he was also found to have a dangerously high level of mercury in his blood, although this was considered normal for water-borne lifeforms in southern Sydney. He was also found to have a dangerously low level of blood, due to his blood tests.

Bloody great nation

AUSTRALIA WINS ONLY 80 GOLD MEDALS. Although fans voice disappointment, team officials insisted this was a fair result for the first day of competition.

That's my theme

The Hoodoo Gurus have taken their hit sports anthem to other markets after rugby league bosses highlighted the opportunities by changing "team" to "dream". The ageless quartet has signed to record the Australian Commonwealth Games gymnastics unit's stirring team song That's My Beam. The evergreen band is also close to finishing work on That's My Spleen for the Bathurst Kickboxing Association and will release a ballad on the Auckland Warriors' salary cap scandal, That's My Cream. The death-defiant Gurus have also just emerged from the studio after a difficult three weeks recording the new theme for Andrew Ettingshausen's fishing program, That's My Bream.

Cash and carry

A leading New Zealand NRL club is now rumoured to be flaunting salary cap regulations by giving its players bundles of cash - concealed in bundles of cash! "We've caught the investigators with their pants down," said one club source with vision-blurring squares over his face. "They're now so busy looking for all these clever schemes like money being channelled to dead relatives in the Bahamas that they don't bother looking for the obvious stuff. This is how we all do it now."

Load of old bullion

The Commonwealth Games has made worldwide news at last after being named as the source of the soaring world price of gold. Rises in silver and bronze have also been linked to the staggering number of medals which will be given out during the Fab Fortnight, which should start in Melbourne sometime soon. Hard though it is to imagine for a two-week event, betting houses have a category in which you can back Australia to win 121 or more gold medals on its own. There are only 16 sports, for Deek's sake. With 895 medals handed out in rain-soaked, second-city Manchester four years ago, rain-soaked, second-city Melbourne will be going all out to claim the best games ever by awarding many more. Disciplines will include manners, grooming, personality and swimsuit, with medals also up for grabs in the Fashions in the Field competition. Precious-metal markets are on alert for volatility after checks of the official Games website showed it was very difficult, if possible at all, to learn the total number of medals available at the taxpayer-funded event. Speculation mounted last night that no one really knows anymore.

FOOTBALL WORLD CUP 2006

Wozza and Fat Dave invite you to join them for this year's biggest sports event - the football World Cup.

Spaces are available for up to two people to travel through Germany and chip in for petrol in a Kombi, which will have some sort of nickname painted on it, whilst we try to get into World Cup games.

We will assist your access to recognised ticket agents, like this man who always hangs around in Stuttgart who wearing a tan cap, and support you in your quest to find a ticket for less than $2000.*

Picture yourself sleeping under the stars in the Kombi, or evoke the scent of male sneakers as you anticipate a special night of indulgence in one of a handful of backpackers hostels we might need when the van needs repairs.

Tour members will also savour the best of what Germany has to offer, then puke it back up again and continue drinking foot-high steins of beer while reassessing what matches they might be able to afford.+

30-day - Departs Earls Court June 9. Ends in Germany or around there probably in July.

Price per person: slab and petrol money.

* Not bloody likely

+ Togo-Switzerland, if that

** Lifetime no greater than four years

Email us at yobtour@hotmail.com and let us know what time you can be there for this once-in-a-lifetime** opportunity.

BREAKING NEWS ...

Warriors to stop letting defensive coaches do their accounting ... Borg sells beard ... Bird's Bingle bird bingle ...

© 2006 Sydney Morning Herald

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