The Year Of Living Languorously

Sydney Morning Herald

Monday January 2, 2006

TREVOR MARSHALLSEA

IT'S January 2, and after that fireworks display on the bridge on Saturday night, everyone's thoughts turned to a certain brand of ice cream, and then to the year ahead in sport. With so many treats in store it's hard to keep track, so here for your permanent reference once you're stuck to the television remote are this year's highlights in world sport.

February 10: Davis Cup first round. Australia v Switzerland. Usually Australia gets an easy ride into the second round against some plucky no-hopers like Zimbabwe (when they don't win), Tonga or Obscuristan. This time, the short straw has been drawn for an early tie against Roger Federer and whoever else Switzerland name. The Swiss are currently paying $2.10. Tenner, anyone? Watch for: High drama, concerning someone pulling out injured just before the tie, via a mobile phone from a San Diego beach.

April 2: The Australian Grand Prix. Melbourne goes from zero to 300km/h in a week as millions tune in to see advertising billboards going fast, like those ones in the city only smaller and quicker. Tune in early to see a host of B-grade celebrities possibly losing control of high-powered cars in a warm-up race. Watch for: Technical stories about tyres and fuel injection.

March 16 - July 8: Nothing much. Bit of footy, FA Cup, benefit for claycourt-loving Spaniards at Roland Garros, Playstation.

June 9 - July 9: World Cup finals. Hundreds of fans from around the world will tune in to watch a tournament run with German precision, with each match to start dead on time and goal celebrations to be capped at nine seconds. The action will be hot and close. Some bookies have already paid out on Brazil - before betting started. Watch for: Sepp Blatter saying something ludicrous.

June 26-July 9: Wimbledon. For centuries now, crowds have settled in to what is at times euphemistically referred to as SW19 by some writers, to take in a fortnight of sitting still in stony silence, paying a first-round winner's ransom for strawberries, giggling at net cords and indulging in over-zealous shush-ing when all that happens is someone's phone goes off. Watch for: Rain, followed by high pressure in the press room, and then stories about a roof over centre court and unequal prizemoney.

July 20-23: British Open Golf. See the cream of the ancient game look like chumps on a testing course with holes called things like Postage Stamp, The Rowed Hoe and Old Mother's Washing, and where two years ago several cars and a caravan were discovered hidden in light rough on the 13th, Hell's Bowels. Held this year in Liverpool, making lost and stolen balls a hazard. Watch for: Jesper Parnevik stuffing tissues up his nose; Colin Montgomerie blowing up about something.

August 20 - Dapto dogs. (Children free.) The finest greyhounds from the southern hemisphere coastal town compete in an action-packed 10-race program (3rd through to 5th grades), on a Monday night at Dapto, or 2530. Watch for: Three-state betting. Bar facilities.

November 7: Melbourne Cup. The finest stayers from several countries try once again to stop a nation. Watch for: Odds-on look on, and don't run up steps.

December 26: State of Origin Fishing. (Channel Ten). Some of Australia's best anglers show their best angles in a new televised competitive fishing game. As one old bait-fingers, Anthony Robbins, says: "Luck is where preparation and opportunity meet. It is also where fish and hook meet." Not sure whether it should come under "sport" or some other genre such as "hobby" or "science and nature". Or possibly "celebrity", since New Idea has been full of headlines about pro fishing's newsmakers lately, including Bream-Full of Love, Serial Grouper and Freddie Starr Ate My Fish. Prizemoney is encouraging, with winners keeping whatever they can get for their fish in the car park. Watch for: Nothing else on.

Thought for 2006

If man were meant to do chores around the house, why is there so much sport on telly?

Bleeding obvious

Oh for the home-spun philosophies of the Australian fast bowler. Glenn McGrath was overheard last week conversing with a vegetarian member of the Australian cricket team's support staff on the subject of not eating meat, a contentious policy around McGrath country. We can reveal exclusively that the pig shooter from Narromine is a meatatarian. He also had a ready answer for the vegetarian's explanations that one shouldn't eat anything: a) that has eyes, except a potato; and b) that has a mother. "Answer me this then," McGrath countered, "If we weren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?"

Trophy hunting

Football Federation Australia has announced a very quick competition to design the trophy for the first season of the A-League. Having left nothing to chance in setting up the new league, the FFA has probably not been forced into staging this late contest by the fact someone just forgot to organise the trophy. The contest was announced two weeks ago, with entries to be submitted by, err, tomorrow, and with the winning design to be chosen later this month, in loads of time for the crowning of the champions on March 5. With entrants challenged to design a trophy to capture official "new football" values - expressive, irreverent, eclectic, creative and streetwise - officials are eagerly anticipating a trophy that is "daring", "provocative", "possibly over-the-top and a bit try-hard", or just "odd".

BREAKING NEWS ... Aussies charged with pressuring umpires: Warne to appeal ... Langer "bursting to play" despite stump through neck ... ... Someone you've heard of wins women's tennis tournament in Hobart ...

© 2006 Sydney Morning Herald

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